The Process of Breaking in your Elastic Hair Tie.

This is a fun post to mark my 32nd trip around the sun.

The unthinkable has happened, your favorite elastic hair tie has just snapped on you. You look at the worn-in hair tie and you say a prayer for it before you kindly discard it in the trash can.

            You open the drawer where you keep the millions of new hair ties and carefully try to find the perfect one that isn’t too thick or one of those disgusting ones that won’t even fit onto your wrist before snapping. You don’t pick up one with the metal piece linking the two pieces of elastic because those are the worst, someone gave them as a gift, and they are still attached to the piece of decorated cardboard they were sold on.

            After much debate, you pick one that is identical to your last one, just a different “shade” of brown, blonde, or black.

            You put in your wrist, so as to always be prepared for the eventual hair tie apocalypse as if you have the last hair tie in the entire world.

            Immediately after attaching this precious hair tie to your wrist, a new permanent fixture to your wrist. You begin to feel it digging into your skin, trying most certainly to cut off the circulation to the rest of your body. When you remove it from your wrist, the dark red indention is unmistakable. We must begin the process of breaking in this hair tie. Hair Tie #393.

1.     You must stretch it in between two fingers, stretching it as far as it will go before snapping. This is paramount to breaking it in.

2.     If stretching it incessantly between your fingers doesn’t seem to lessen the chances of your hand being amputated due to lack of blood flow, you must take the stretching a step further. Promptly put a section of the hair tie under your foot and begin pulling on the open section of the hair tie. Beware that this could snap your brand-new hair tie, take it easy. It would be a travesty if you happened to snap this new hair tie.

3.     If you are willing to wait, which I know is incredibly hard. Take the hair tie and find a glass in your home with the widest opening. Stick the hair tie around the glass and just leave it for a day or two. That near-constant stress on the hair tie being stretched will cause it to do what you need and give a little.

4.     I hope you like up-dos. The best way to stretch out a new hair tie immediately is to USE IT! Lots of up-dos that require multiple wraps of the hair tie. Put the pesky hair tie through the wringer until it finally joins the cult that is your hair tie wrist cult. The one lonely hair tie is the only member unless you are a better human than I am and are always prepared with two or more hair ties.

Once you finally have stretched out your hair tie to the point that doesn’t make your wrist look fat, it should be cause for celebration. Because this will certainly be temporary and a short-lived celebration.

Eventually the elastic will begin to separate where you have that super fancy section of your “worn-in” hair tie that looks like a deflated tire. This is truly the beginning of the end. But we will not give up on this treasure when we begin to see this wear and tear. If it looks like a circle, it’s perfectly fine and usable. If you are smart, you stash multiple extras in your purse, you know just in case of emergency.

When your hair tie is officially fed up with your behavior and how you treat it like it’s NOTHING. It snaps, no longer a circle.

It gives you the bird as you discard it in your bathroom trashcan with all the other unmentionables as if you didn’t have a long-term commitment and relationship with this hair tie.

We will begin the process all over again because women and hair ties are the definition of insanity. Do the process all over again, knowing full well that we will 100% get the same results: three to six months of bliss over the perfect hair tie, before the breakdown of said hair tie occurs.

To those who will eventually tell me that scrunchies are back and don’t leave a dent in your hair, or that plastic phone cords hair ties are super great. Fuck those.

1. I am not 12 and I hate scrunchies.

2. Those phone cord hair ties you bitches rave about are the absolute worse and you can’t influence me.

For all of us normal people who don’t have time to walk through Claires looking for scrunchies, we are all about the overly tried and true hair tie to make our messy buns look less messy and to keep our hair out of our face during sex.

I will forever keep my hair ties attached as a tumor to my body until my hair is gone and I only have enough hair to look like Bam Bam from The Flintstones.

You’re Welcome for the advice.

xx